Zen Spam

I used to get furious at all the junk emails that I'd have to sift through every morning. Most of them are for Viagra or antidepressants. Which is stupid, because I figure that if you take only ONE of these products, your other problem will go away... but what do I know.

Anyway, I've started to actually like getting these spam mailings now that I've discovered that they all contain surreal zen poetry. Seriously, scroll down to the bottom of your next junk email and you can read what spammers think is a way around spam filters, but I think is a new and exciting art form.

Check out these words of wisdom from a recent Cialis ad:

"man and the slave will cease to exist, for if the man is not a reference to a boat qua boat, as there are boats which have no each to each, or of parts which do not. The parts of a line bear in the case of those contraries which have an intermediate weapon found near forms of vegetable life."

Genius.

Or how about this from an email whose subject line was "Coattail Quickstep":

"Effect allows dodge of bullets or run up walls.
Jump higher farther otherwise would Opponents tougher good?
Track goals Hacking the hacking expected and provided surprises?
"Stop the wheel" Edipon shouted."

It's pretty good stuff. It's not Haiku... it's a new form of poetry I call Spamku.

I think I'm going to make a concept album based on these emails. The lyrics will be lifted directly from junk mail. The album will be called "Edipon Shouted" and track one will be a banjo number called "The Coattail Quickstep."

Anyone know how to play banjo?

--charles - guards of metropolis

I used to have a girlfriend called Stella...

But we broke up about 4 months ago. I haven't really thought about her much since. It's weird how sometimes when you break up with someone, you can't get them out of your mind, while other times, they just fade into a faint memory really fast. I tried to break up with her a couple of times before. Then I'd miss her so much that I caved after a week or so, and just had to see her. But not this time. We were a really bad match.

She would always get me into trouble. We used to hang out every night. We were inseparable. It always started out like fun, but by the end of the night I'd always do something stupid and I guess she was left feeling kind of... empty. Occasionally we'd hang out with this girl from St. Pauli, but that wouldn't exactly improve things. They'd do dumb things like push me down the stairs and stuff. Just for a laugh.

I guess I shouldn't bad-mouth 'em too much. We did have a lot of fun together. We'd throw parties and invite our friends, Bud, Pabst and Jack over. We'd crank the stereo with that Ramones song "My Corona" and dance on the table. We used to talk about everything. It probably sounded stupid to any outsider, but it made perfect sense to us. Ah, those were the days, ha?

Well, anyway, I met someone new already. This bloke from Ireland called Kaliber. He's a really nice guy. I think I'll give him a call now. :o)

-silver

Super Bowl Sunday...

Since I'm sure I'll be stepping on some toes now, let me start with
saying that I love America! Or the people here I should say... But
there is one thing I don't understand: what you call sports here...

Take football for example. For starters, why do you call it football?
They're grabbing the ball with their hands! In the football games
(okay, I know you call it soccer here) I grew up with that would be a
foul, you give the ball over to the other team. And secondly; what's
a sport? Sport means a competition including physical activity,
right? And top athletes should be the people who are pushing the
boundaries of what the human body is capable of, right? At least they
look like they work out more than the average Joe.

So in football, a bunch of guys (with beer bellies) line up, one of
them gets the ball, runs about 5 yards, and then everybody stops!

"Okay, that was quite the exercise, lets take a break, re-group and
think about this for a second. Do we really wanna run anymore? I'm
getting kind of tired. What about you?"

And then there's baseball... (where most of the top players also look
like their too found of potato chips and soda pop, while exercise...
not so much. They throw a ball, hit a ball, run a little, then take a
break! Don't wanna get tired. And what's with the "World Series"?
There's only American teams competing! Doesn't that make it a
National Series? Since, after all, there are other countries in the
world.

So am I gonna watch the Superbowl? Probably, after all Prince is
playing the half time show.

-silver

Portland, Oregon: Sit/Lie Ordinance

No one will be allowed to sit or lie down on a public sidewalk between 7 am and 9 pm in the downtown “Fareless Square” area and the Lloyd District, the first two areas included in the ordinance. (Other business districts can apply to be included.)

(www.portlandonline.com)

The controversial new sit/lie ordinance, which will make it illegal to sit or lie on the sidewalk within fareless square and in the Lloyd District.....

(www.portlandmercury.com)

I am upset. I have NEVER heard of such a ridiculous law. How can one make it illegal for people to sit down or lie down, take a nap, whatever.... in a public place? AND with a timeline? "You better wake up early every day and not rest until 9 pm." Where are these people with no homes supposed to go? I mean the whole reason they are called homeless is because they have NO home. I mean they have NO HOME. Are they supposed to walk around Portland ALL day long, is that it?

A day access center, that is great:) But, it is every person's right to choose for themselves. If you want to sleep in the park, then why not? Are the benches/chairs/stools busy? Occupied? Tired? I mean, why are they even there? Aren't people supposed to use them?

Of course, I do think the city should offer to help, OFFER being the keyword. I believe we all have certain freedoms as citizens and fellow human beings. If you WANT TO (not because you HAVE TO) lie on a sidewalk, sit on a bench, sleep in the park (as long as you are not hurting anyone) - then go ahead. Let the police hand out blankets instead. To keep them warm while they rest, Blankets not citations. Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter.

So much for the Freedom loving Portland I thought I knew. Booooo!

Kristin Blix/
Guards Of Metropolis